A friend of mine who’s part of a multiple system and I were talking and our systems came up. I could be wrong, and hopefully he’ll tell me if I am, but it seems like his system is more or less like mine in the sense that only he is the primary fronter, although he isn’t stuck.
One thing he mentioned was that apparently some people have accused him of forcing the other people in his system not to front and repressing them, rather than it being a mutually agreed upon thing. I wasn’t there for the conversations, so I don’t know exactly what occurred and won’t comment on that. But this is a pretty problematic thing to just assume, especially if the people refuse to hear that this isn’t the case.
Sadly, it’s also very common for people to actually do this to their headmates. I have seen systems where one person refused to accept the validity or personhood of anyone else in the system, even went so far as to try and murder them. People in multiple systems are just like other people- being locked in a room, treated as inhuman or nonexistant or even called a demon, having someone try to kill you? How would you feel if someone you live with or nearby tried to do that to you, insisting that it’s their house/street and so they have every right to abuse and lock up and even kill you so that only they‘re in charge of their house/street? It ends very badly, too, because it rarely really works so all it really serves to do is cause chaos and make it incredibly difficult for everyone to work together.
I also know of at least one system who faced people in the multiple community suspecting they were faking because their system wasn’t particularly stable, which generally means that they need more support because it can be hard to deal with things when it’s not stable. And there are people who will pretend to be multiple, generally upholding the worst stereotypes of multiplicity (because that’s what singlets think all multiple systems are like) and sometimes causing problems in the community by starting drama or even trolling. It can also be very painful if a person gets attached to one of the made up headmates to find out they never existed.
The multiple community is in a delicate situation. It has no real acceptance, some people will deny their existence just because they “don’t believe” in MPD/DID (which is distinct from multiplicity, but are also real and valid), systems who have been severely and purposefully mucked about with by therapists for the hell of it, and I don’t think there’s anywhere where it isn’t legal to fire, evict, take away children from, or institutionalize a multiple system just for being multiple.
There isn’t much support for multiple systems, and perceived threats to the community are not only very serious but can even be triggering. Which is both why these assumptions are a big problem and also why they happen. Seeing someone repressing their system is very painful for people who have experienced it or know that it could happen to them at any time or who just recognize how painful it is to have that happen. Being accused of doing it just because of the way a person’s system works means that the person doesn’t get support that they may need, and it can be very painful to be accused. The same thing happens when a singlet pretends to be a multiple system, it can cause big problems for the community and hurt people deeply. But when a system is accused by other systems of being fake, that cuts deeply because the multiple community is where people should be able to go to be seen as real.
I don’t know if there’s a solution to problems like this, but it is a problem.
I know quite a few multiple systems in real life at my university and that conversation took place there. The people I know have various levels of involvement in the wider multiple community, some have only just encountered it and not yet digested all that they have learnt, some are already fed up of it, some dip in and out. In that context, a few people had reasons to doubt that Coral (one of my headmates) wouldn’t want her own life in the earthworld through my body. Strangely, no one has ever wondered that about Chris (does a four year old child not deserve an earthworld life if he wants one?). Even talking to Coral herself didn’t seem to settle it as they refused to believe that Coral chooses to be co-present and on occasion to co-front but never to have control of the body herself – they insisted she was only saying so because I was there. Coral and I have a written agreement that, until such time as amendments to the agreement may be required, Theo lives through the body (as he has done his whole life as far as anyone is aware) and Coral freely chooses to live alongside him. The crux of the agreement is that the body’s life is Theo’s life to lead and since Coral has no intention of pretending to be Theo and no especial inclination towards having an embodied life anyway, Theo gets control of the body and its life in return for ensuring the continued health and life of the body and for acknowledging Coral’s existance, interacting with her, sharing responsibilty for Chris’ care until / unless Chris reaches adulthood, caring for Coral when she is also a child or if she is ill or upset etc. There’s also stuff in there about emergency co-fronting (which Coral does when I have panic attacks and stuff), dealing with new comers etc.
If I fail to fulfill my parts of the agreement, Coral and I are both aware that she is capable of fronting without me to fix any problems I cause. But she doesn’t need to do that and she’s happy with our system following the agreements she co-wrote with me. Chris has never known a life different from the one he has now and we think he’s a bit young to be introduced to the idea that he could play through a body but we’ll introduce that idea to him when/if he’s older (I have lots of toys he might like!). I’m not necessarily adverse to the idea of someone else fronting and I know it’s possible just the headmates I currently have are happy without fronting.
And some people can’t understand that. They can’t understand how Coral can be happy with how things are. But she is. She doesn’t believe that a life has to be lived in the earthworld to be meaningful and worthwhile – some of the people we’ve talked to seemed to think that though.
Coral and I talk about this often (she’s getting fed up of it). I want her to know that the agreement can be revised at any time if she’s unhappy. She says she *knows* that. Before conversing with some other systems, it hadn’t really occured to me that our system might be abusive / coercive / not the best model for the people in it but it does hurt that people wouldn’t even listen to Coral when she explained how things work very well here actually. Just because Coral is a woman and I am a man doesn’t automatically mean the fact that Coral “stays home and looks after the baby” (quote) isn’t her choice.
Sorry I’m getting a bit ranty now. I guess it’s been our experience, in this conversation and others, that multiple systems, being people, are far from free of unchecked privilege and bigotry (ourselves included, no doubt).
I found your blog through plures.org….
I am one of three people sharing a body. I’m Athena, and the others are Ivan and Andrea. We consider ourselves to be siblings. I’ve been out more in recent years than in the past because I’ve felt more comfortable doing so. Before it was mostly either my brother Ivan or sister Andrea. During the academic semester they are still fronting more often than I am, because we’re all more comfortable with that arrangement. Interesting discussion.
Athena